Halloween (and every holiday after)

Halloween is right around the corner, and I know what that means for a lot of families—stress. The costume debates, the sensory concerns about fabric and masks, the unpredictability of trick-or-treating, the overstimulation of classroom parties. In our ABA practice, we're already working on this. We're running through mock classroom parties in different configurations, checking with local venues about practicing trunk-or-treat routes ahead of time, and right now our team is coordinating with an organization to take a small group through their setup before the actual event. Preparation matters, and we take it seriously.

But here's the thing about costumes, trick-or-treating, and all the traditional Halloween activities—they're optional. Completely, entirely optional. If your kid wants to participate in the full traditional experience, fantastic. We'll help make that happen. But if they want to wear their regular clothes with maybe one themed accessory? That works too. If they think costumes are ridiculous and want nothing to do with the whole thing? Also valid. I have a client who has zero interest in trick-or-treating, but he looks forward all year to his fright night movie marathon with a fresh batch of dirty popcorn. That's not traditional Halloween, but it's HIS Halloween, and he absolutely loves it. And you know what? That counts. That's the holiday.

This is where I want to expand beyond Halloween, because this pressure to do holidays "the right way" doesn't stop in October. Christmas in my own home is midnight Mass and then Christmas Day in pajamas, playing card games and building Legos. No elaborate meal prep, no formal anything, just what works for us. And that's exactly my point—every family gets to decide what their holidays look like. The expectations we inherited about how things are "supposed" to be done? Those aren't laws. They're just someone else's traditions that got passed down and somehow became gospel.

You could have a lot of fun with this, actually. You could create entirely new traditions that become part of your core family identity. There are dog families and cat families and gardening families—why not be the family that takes a road trip to Salem every October? Or the family that does Friendsgiving instead of the traditional Thanksgiving setup? Or the family that refuses to cook and puts out a taco bar for every major holiday feast? Make it yours. Love it. Own it completely.

Here's what I really want you to hear: when you let go of the traditional expectations and create something that genuinely fits your family, you're not settling for less. You're not making accommodations that diminish the experience. You're modeling something incredibly valuable—that there are multiple ways to be in the world, and that difference doesn't mean deficit. Your autistic family member isn't the reason you "can't" do holidays the traditional way. They're the reason you get to reimagine what's possible, and in doing that, they change the worldview of everyone around them. That's not something to apologize for. That's something beautiful to celebrate.

So this Halloween, and every holiday that follows—do what works. Build your own traditions. Ignore the judgment, spoken or unspoken, about what you're "supposed" to do. Whatever your family does to mark the occasion, that IS the holiday. There's no asterisk, no fine print, no "doesn't count." It's yours, it's real, and it's exactly right.